My story

I am ready to share my story.

I have been on this earth to share this story.

I feel that I’m guided and supported to tell this story.

I hope it will inspire you, guide you or reflect on you in some way.

My story of separation started when I was born. While I was excited and my birth was quick and easy there was another experience that came into existence. It was my experience of needing somebody outside of myself and feeling separated from them. I was a little baby crying in my crib, my mother couldn’t come to comfort me and thus I came up with my story of separation: I am alone.

3 years old. I was a lively little girl, with inspiration and love running freely through my life. I had a loving family and a great home to call my own. On this one day a stressful situation, regarding a hospital and my sister, I had decided for myself that I was not important. That anyone else before me should be happy and should be taken care of first. That way of thinking has influenced my childhood in a big way and the way I made relationships work or break. The minute they wanted to put me first I bailed. The moments where I was being let down or being bullied or were put down as an outsider I would feel that was right for me.

Looking back on this inner talk, that was the time when I gave away my power. The power to live, to love and to be my True Self. I had made myself less important than my sister, who was very ill at that time. And in order not to be a burden I had to become someone that was invisible or that my parents not need to worry about.

When I was 8 I have had 2 years of experiences being bullied and my mother gave me some advice when I went to a new school, the advice any loving mother would give. “Nanda, this is a new start. Try not to cry as much.” I translated that into, being myself is not good enough, I have to be more like the others. I told myself that I was not good enough to be loved for who I am. So I started a new journey on becoming the person people wanted me to be.

I told myself that being myself was not enough and that I had to be someone that was earning love by doing what people thought was best for me.

I was a straight-A student and worked hard to be the best I could be. I helped other kids feel safe and tried to help anyone that was bullied. I went to the schools others felt was most suitable for me and I followed my peers into the things they were into. I became a version of myself, that was merely 50% myself and 50% of what others thought I should be. By the age of 24 I was the girl with the education and the life that I thought was what people wanted me to be. Boyfriend, living together and with the job I got because of what my diploma said. But I had no clue on who I was and if this choice was mine or not.

I don’t remember people really asking me: What is it that you want Nanda?

Actually, I do. But every time I answered with my own voice, the answer was criticized and so I started to doubt my own choices. When I was 13 I wanted to go into the travel industry and become a hotel hostess. But my teacher and my parents told me that was not a good choice. When I was a little girl and wanted to be a ballerina (age 6) I went to the ballet classes, but the music was so loud that I couldn’t take it. I decided that I could better follow the footsteps of the family and play soccer instead. When I was 23 I was in an internship that made me miserable, but I was afraid to choose differently. So I graduated a year later and after being in my first job I decided for the first time to follow my inner guidance and quit listening to anybody else but myself.

I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted to do, so I just took a job as a mailman (or woman) and figured it out. I wanted to be a parental coach or work with children, coaching them, helping them develop in their own authentic ways. That was the best decision I have made during my first 25 years of life – trusting my inner guidance and choosing my own path.

It became my life’s journey to uncover the truths about me and to heal the negative thoughts I had. So the distorted convictions that I had, I am alone, I am less important, I am not good enough were holding me back in being who I really am. I started to slowly hear what I really wanted, who I really was and am. In following my own path I was given experiences to heal, I started to love myself including these convictions, I understood later on that those experiences of my separation story were given to me to uncover the truth about myself.

When I turned 30 I was at a crossroad in my life. It was time to make a bigger shift. Because I was living my life and thought everything was okay, life gave me an experience that I could not ignore. I felt sick, was being denied my sense of self, I was tired of trying so hard to please everyone around me. Again I felt alone, not good enough and less important than others. All convictions packaged in the same experience. It was a tough lesson.

The symptoms of burn-out were given to me, to experience that I have reached a limit and that it was time to change course. This experience accelerated my spiritual awakening and my personal development. I got to know who I really am and started to walk out of the course of my separation story. I didn’t know where I was going, but I trusted more and more in my inner guidance that no matter where I was, I was becoming more and more me.

I can now lovingly say that I understand my past, I love my past and there is no reason for me to hold on to the negative convictions I told myself. I can honor and respect my story because I know it’s not defining who I am. I am Love, I am Pure Awareness. And from this Love and Awareness, I can respect and appreciate my story, place it into the light and be okay with it. See the story as just that, a story, an experience. I can start to attract new experiences when I see through the silver lining of my life and start to change my convictions, heal my past experiences and send love from my heart to the past. Being aware is such a rewarding treasure you can uncover in your life, the treasure that is hidden in the silver lining of your story of separation.

Every experience in life is here to teach us something or is inviting us to respond differently or consciously. In my life, there are different responses that I’ve tested and that’s part of the journey. I have come to a point in my life that I am more aware of the conscious choices I make how to react to any circumstance and experience. I see who I am and how I am responding, from a point of Pure Awareness. So I don’t need to judge the experience, I just observe it and choose to react differently (now or next time).

Writing your story can help you uncover your separation convictions. And in that way, you will become aware of the silver lining of your life. Can you imagine how interesting this can be? How would you like to know and see through your own story of separation so you can come to the whole truth about You again?

Respond to my story of separation or share your story or questions in the comments below.

In loving awareness,

Nanda Berwers